


My Life, My Ghost, Your Soul

by faithfulDiscord



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Guilt, Hints of Sollux Captor/Dave Strider, M/M, Supernatural Elements, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-04 20:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithfulDiscord/pseuds/faithfulDiscord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux loves him and loves how his life has turned out but how will he handle it when everything is taken away from him? Is there anybody out there who knows how to help him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Why don’t you just quit already?!”  
  
Oh here we go again  
  
“I can’t fucking quit because there’s nobody else who would give me another fucking job.”  
  
“God fucking damn it Sollux. You’re boss is a fucking creep and obviously wants in your pants. Just quit already!”  
  
“Karkat do you really think I would deal with that douchebag if I didn’t need to?”  
  
When did the road get this bad? I can barely see anything.  
  
“But you can do something! You can quit that damn job and go work with my dad.”  
  
“Work with your dad?! Did you seriously just ask me to work with your dad the religious nut when I’m a fucking atheist?! Did you not see him almost shove his bible down my throat when I walked through the door?”  
  
This happens every fucking time we go and see his family. It happens over and over and fucking over again!  
  
“My dad is not a religious nut you asshole!”  
  
“Really? What else do you want me to fucking call him? He’s the stereotypical bible-thump I’m surprised when you introduced me as your boyfriend he didn’t have a damn aneurysm!”  
  
His family claims they like me but they really don’t. The only person who didn’t look like they wanted to castrate me when I put my arm around him was his mother and even then I walked through the door and I got a fashion run-down because apparently I don’t know how to dress myself.  
  
“Well sorry, that my parents were upset when they realized they weren’t getting grandchildren from either of their sons.”  
  
“Oh don’t even get me started on that. If I ended up working for him I would get asked on a day-to-fucking-day basis on whether or not we are going to adopt! This just adds to the numerous reasons why I will NOT work with your family. You may not see it but they fucking HATE me! When you left the room they practically jumped down my throat before I can even say ‘hi’. But of course because they are you’re family I just sat there and took like the bitch I am.”  
  
“My family-”  
  
“No, Karkat, will you fucking listen to me!”  
  
“Sollux my fam-”  
  
I knew exactly what he was going to say. He was going to say his family wasn’t that bad. Then I was going to say something stupid and end up sleeping on the couch but halfway through the night he would tell me I was right and he was sorry the way his family treated me and he would invite me back in bed. That’s always the way it happened without fail but it didn’t happen tonight because I lost the road in the rain.  
  
Karkat screamed as soon as I realized what happened. We went over a hole and I hit my head on the steering wheel as I tried to reach for emergency break and was knocked out. The last thing I remember is seeing Karkat looking over at me frightened to his very core.  
  
The car finally stopped moving.  
  
“S-Sol...lux...”  
  
Slowly the black started to fade but everything else started to hurt. My leg felt broken, my arm was crushed, and my head started to throb.  
  
“Sol..”  
  
A very wet cough rings through the tiny vehicle. Following the sound my heart dropped as I saw him. The thing that stopped the car from moving was a very old tree with a very low branch. That branch went through the windshield and right through Karkat’s chest. About an inch over and he would have died instantly.  
  
“Sol....lux..” He reaches out his hand towards me.  
  
I grab his hand because I know that it was probably going to be the last thing he would ever feel.  
  
“Shhhh d-don’t strain yourself I’m h-here. We’ll make it through this.”  
  
Even to my own ears it didn’t sound convincing.  
  
He gasps as he squeezes my hand.  
  
“Liar...”  
  
I can’t help but smile as I start to cry.  
  
“E-even after all this? You’re dying and you still c-call me out on my shit. I can’t...I-I’m sorry, Karkat. ”  
  
“Sol...lux...I-I...lo..ve...you.”  
  
His hand tightens around mine as he drags in a harsh breath then he goes completely limp. A sob racks through my body as the heat slowly starts to fade from his.  
  
“Karkat, I...I love you too.”  
  
Reluctantly I let go of his hand. Slowly I put my hand into my pocket and pull out a small velvet box.

 

 

* * *

****

  
My bed is uncomfortable, it’s too big, too cold, and just doesn’t feel right. I have a concussion, my arm is in a cast and so is my leg. Everything feels wrong. I haven’t slept since the accident even though I know it’s bad for my health. My phone went off like clockwork the first two days. I haven’t answered any phone calls, I haven’t been at work for obvious reasons, and I haven’t been on the computer either. To everybody I’ve ever talked to I’ve fallen off the planet and I’m perfectly okay with that.  
  
The funeral is in two days. I can only imagine what is going to happen once I get there.

 

 

* * *

 

  
The day is too fucking bright. There’s no rain clouds and too many people that I don’t know. Not a lot of people notice me but the people who do are the ones that matter most. He was a spitting image of his father. His brother was basically his twin but he got his eyes from his mother. I can’t even look any of them in the eye as they comes towards me. His mother and brother are already crying and his father isn’t that far from it. He lays his hand on my shoulder softly.  
  
“I’m glad you were with him when he passed. He loved you, he really did and I’m sorry if we’ve ever made your life more difficult than it needed to be. If you need anything, please feel free to call.”  
  
I nod slightly.  
  
“Thank you, Mr.Vantas.” My voice cracks since I haven’t used it in while.  
  
Kankri grabs my good hand and tries to smile through his tears.  
  
“The service is about to start. Sit with us.”  
  
It wasn’t a question but it wasn’t like I was going to refuse. I sat next to Kankri in the first makeshift row as the priest finally stood up. His words came out even but I didn’t hear anything that he said. Everybody stood up to form a line to give their last goodbyes. His family was first and his father finally broke down as he started to walk past him. Everybody let me in front because apparently they knew about me. I slowly start to walk past the casket but something stops me. His hands are crossed over one another on his stomach clutching something small but that’s not what stops me. On his ring finger of his left hand there is a silver band, the one that I bought months ago for him.  
  
My eyes have been dry ever since I came home by myself but this was the thing that broke me down and cracked my heart in two. I slowly started to make my way over to his parents all of them crying just as I was.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
 _Sollux, my family isn’t that bad._

 

 

* * *

 

  
It’s been a year since the accident. A year since I was the reason the person I wanted to spend my whole life with wasn’t here anymore. After I got my casts off I finally talked with my boss. He wasn’t happy that I didn’t call him and tell him what happened. He probably saw the news because he finally backed off and he finally let me come back to work. Sitting behind a desk is not much but it’s mind numbing. Hundreds and hundreds of codes, make new ones, check over old ones, make sure the new ones are working properly, repeat. Days start to flow together. How much time has gone by? A day? A week? The only thing that showed me how much time passed was the clock in the corner of my computer screen. I worked like a machine, I barely ate, didn’t take my work breaks, and didn’t talk to anybody. I’ve spent nights at my desk because I missed the last bus out of town because I lost track of time. My boss left me alone and so did everybody else, but some of them would walk past my block basically to just see if I was still breathing or not.  
  
“Sol, can I talk to you for minute.”  
  
I follow him without another word. He leads me into his office and sits down.  
  
“Sollux, you’ve been doing a marvelous job on everything you’ve done but...people, myself included, are starting to get worried about your mental stability. I’m putting you on leave for two weeks so you can sort out what is going on in your mind then you can come back. Just go home. It’s for your own good, Sollux.”  
  
I walk out without another word and I feel like everybody is staring at me but it doesn’t bother me like it usually does. I go back to my block turn off my equipment and go. Everything went by in blur until I reached my door to my apartment. No,no my apartment,our apartment. This place isn’t my home anymore because the person who I looked forward to coming home to isn’t there anymore. There’s too many memories in this small place and it kills me to just open the door. Even after a year, it haunts me because I keep on replaying memories of what happened and then I keep on thinking about the ‘what if’s. What if I slowed down? What if I didn’t fight with him? What if we didn’t go out at all that night? What if? What if?! What if!  
  
I lay my head on the door and let my hand slide from the doorknob because I know I won’t be going in tonight.

 

 

* * *

 

  
Trying to regain some of my ‘mental stability’ like the fuck up I am, I make my way down the street and through a seedy back alleyway to one of the small bars in town. I set myself in front of the bartender and order, probably against better judgment, a shot of whatever’s strongest and a glass of vodka.  
  
By the time I start to think this is a bad idea, I almost fall out of my chair for the second time. I’m pretty sure that if I still drove, the bartender would have taken my keys away from me by now. After the wreck, my car was completely totalled. I watched them pull it off the tree like it was nothing. From that day on, I’ve been walking and taking the bus everywhere I went. Which has consisted of the building I work in and this bar for about a week now.  
  
I didn’t realize I started to doze off until the bartender shook me lightly.  
  
“Hey, buddy, go home.”  
  
Digging some cash out of my pocket, I lay it on the table and start to stumble out of the seedy bar. I don’t make it very far until I remember again that I really don’t want to go home. Since the wall was the only thing keeping me up at the moment, I just decided to say ‘fuck it’ and sit down. My phone starts buzzing in my pocket, but I don’t pick it up because I could care less if I died in the shitty alley. At least if that happened, I would be able to see Karkat again.

 

 

* * *

 

“Wake up.”  
  
“Come on fuckass wake up.”  
  
Wait...This isn’t right...I’m dreaming I have to be dreaming.  
  
“Yes fucker, you’re dreaming now wake up because I need to talk to you.”  
  
I do as I’m told and ‘wake up’. I’m in an empty room with Karkat sitting in front of me.  
  
“I-I..”  
  
“First thing, yes I am real. Yes, I know I’m dead and can we please move past the stupid questions because I really don’t have that much time left.”  
  
“Why did you come back?”  
  
He gives me this look like I’m stupid and should know why.  
  
“Sollux, look at yourself. You haven’t been in our apartment for about a month. You’ve been drinking yourself into a stupor every other day. You haven’t talked to anybody since my funeral. At work, you were barely human.”  
  
“I-I...I’m sorry.”  
  
“Sollux, I don’t want you to be sorry. I just want you to take care of yourself. It kills me to see you like this.”  
  
He stands up and comes towards me. He caresses my face tenderly as I nod slightly.  
  
“Karkat, I miss you and I love you so much and...if I asked you to marry me would you have said yes?”  
  
“Didn’t I say we should move past the stupid questions? Yes, you asshat I would have said yes and I love you, too. I just want you to be happy, please try.”  
  
He leans down and kisses me softly. He puts his forehead against mine. I gaze into his eyes as he slowly disappears.  
  
 _I will always be with you, Sollux. Just be happy...for me..._  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know..I know...I said this was going to be complete on the first chapter and then I decided..fuck this I'm making another chapter...well I hope you like it :)

_I will always be with you, Sollux. Just be happy...for me..._

 

The voice rings through my head as I’m startled awake. I feel completely sober as I realize where I am again. My vision starts to blur as I start to cry at the memory of my dream. He came back because I wasn’t taking care of myself. Well I wasn’t going to let him down this time. Wiping the last remnants of tears off my face, I stand determinedly. 

* * *

 

I slowly begin to feel again. Everyday seems a little brighter and a little less painful. Things still got to me though; I still couldn’t get myself to drive even though I’ve tried, I just ended up sitting there trying not to hyperventilate. But the biggest hurdle that I have to get past is my apartment and that’s where I’m at now.

The black door is menacing and yet I know I have to get past it. Everything is centered around me going through this door. The closest thing I’ve gotten to actually opening the door is unlocking it.

_I just want you to take care of yourself._

The memory rings through my head as I lay it on the door.

“I’m trying, really I am.”

A hand lands on my shoulder gently. I slowly turn my head in the direction of the other person. He’s blonde, a little shorter than I am, and has black aviators on. I’ve never seen this guy in the life but his gesture is still comforting.

“I’m sorry, I know it doesn’t do shit, but I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to be haunted by a memory...just remember there are people who care and want to help.”

With that, the mystery man walks down the hallway towards the other rooms.

“Hey!”

“My name’s Dave. Dave Strider.”

He calls to me without turning around.

“Sollux Captor.”

“I know.”

 

* * *

 

Fuck this door. Fuck it hard with something sharp and rusty. I’ve seriously been staring at a fucking door for a whole motherfucking hour.

Come on Sollux just do it already!

I have it unlocked, and the doorknob is in my hand, but I just can’t get myself to turn it.

“MY FUCKING GOD, JUTHT DO IT ALREADY!”

10 years of speech therapy be damned.

“UGH, YOU THTUPID PIETHE OF THHIT!”

(for those people who can’t read lisp- “ugh, you stupid piece of shit!”)

I bang on the door one last time and step away from it. My phone starts buzzing in my pocket as I finally gave up and leaned against the wall across from my door.

I flip my phone open without looking at the caller ID.

“Yeth, what do you want?”

_“Uh? Sollux?”_

“Oh thhit. Thorry...I mean...Sorry, Kankri. It’s been a rough day.”

_“Seems like it...”_

The silence dragged for a moment.

“...So...what can I do for you Kankri?”

_“Um...well, we haven’t talked recently and I just had this feeling...Sollux, are you okay?”_

“Yeah, I’m fine..”

_“You’re such a horrible liar, Sol.”_

Wait...He’s never called me Sol before...Or has he ever caught me lying before and he sorta sounded like Karkat when he said it. I slowly start to slide down the wall so I’m sitting on the floor. My chest tightens as I try not to beat myself over not being able to go through a damn door.

“Yeah...yeah I am...To be honest I’m kind of...stuck, have been for a while now but I’m getting better. Well, at least I’m trying to, anyways. I can’t just move on you know...”

_“At least you’re trying to. That’s all that matters. Well, I’m glad I got to talk to you but seriously if you need anything, even if you just need to talk, I’m here, okay?”_

“Thanks Kankri, I really appreciate it.”

" _Bye Sollux.”_

“Bye.”

 

* * *

Come on, just knock. It’s not like he didn’t bring this on himself. Just knock. For the first time in awhile I actually do what I was thinking. Three knocks and I just wait to see if he’s actually there or not.

After a moment the door actually opens but its not the blonde that stopped me in the hallway. The person standing there took me back a little because he was just _cute_. He has dark hair with bright blue eyes that were framed by black rimmed glasses.

“Can I help you?”

“Um...I’m think I might actually have the wrong apartment...I’m looking for Dave Strider.”

“Oh no this is right. Come on in he’s just in the shower.”

He opens the door a little wider letting me in.

“Oh and by the way I’m John Egbert, I’m Dave’s roommate.”

“I’m Sollux Captor.”

“I figured that, Dave said you’d be over here sooner or later.”

That stops me in my tracks.

“Does he do this often?”

“No, not really...It’s been over a year since he’s done anything like this but who am I to stop him if he wants to help somebody.”

He leads me into a large room that is a combined kitchen, dining room, and living room.

“How about you sit down, Dave is going to be out in a second. You want anything to drink?”

I sit down awkwardly not really used to being in somebody else’s home. 

“No, I’m fine, John. Thanks.”

He nods at me grabbing a coat of off a chair nearby.

“Well, it was nice meeting you Sollux.”

“Wait...you're leaving?”

He nods.

“Don’t feel bad, Sollux. I was going to go out anyways and plus I really think you need this.”

Has it really gotten that bad that even a random stranger can tell I’m struggling?

“Have a nice night,” He says as he walks out of the door with a dorky smile.

I nod even though I know he can’t see me.

Once the door shuts the silence becomes suffocating, the only source of comfort was the barely there noise of water running but after a couple seconds it was shut off. Everything about this situation makes me want to run out and not look back but I don’t. I try not to become nervous but it doesn’t exactly work out very well. Then I hear the door knob turning from the bedroom and my stomach feels like it just bottomed out. The door opens and standing there is the person I expected to answer the door when I first came here. His black shades still adorn his face as he just stands there for a second with nothing but pants on. His hair is just a wet blond mop on top of his head as a small smile slowly comes on to his face. I slowly trace down his neck and over his chest openly staring at him before I realized he actually said something.

“What?” I barely croak out as I force myself to stare back at his face.

He chuckles, “Nothing, so I take it John already left.”

I nod as I watch him walk into the kitchen. The silence starts to drag as he gets a bottle of what looks like apple juice out of the fridge and sits next to me on the couch and completely turns towards me.

“So Sollux,” he pauses to open his bottle of apple juice, “what was his name?”

So he just expects me to come out and just spill my life story to him? What the everloving fuck!

“How’d you know my name?”

He shrugs taking a swig from his bottle.

“Our land-lady talks a lot and she’s been worried about you lately and I just so happened to be around when she was talking about you.”

That makes sense...Nepeta can’t keep her mouth shut to save her life especially when she gets worried about somebody.

He looks over his shades and I can’t help but stare because his eyes are the brightest shade of red I’ve ever seen.

“Sollux, I asked what his name was. I didn’t ask for your whole life story, man. Personally, I don’t want your life story unless you want me to know.”

“His name was Karkat...Karkat Vantas.”

He nods putting his glasses back properly on his face.

“Do you know how I said I knew how it felt to be haunted by a memory?”

I nod as I watch him lean back slightly and talk almost to the ceiling.

“I lost my brother but it was more than that. I lost my parents when I was young so I really don’t remember them much, so my bro was the one that raised me and took care of me. His name was Dirk but he was always Bro to everybody. Bro wasn’t exactly your run of the mill caretaker he wasn’t very responsible, he could barely take care of himself let alone me, but he did do some good though. He taught me how to fight and that the only reason you should was to protect somebody you cared about.”

Wow...

“Give me a second, I want to show you something.”

He gets up before I can say anything and goes back to his room. He comes back with a large black leather case. He lays it on the coffee table in front of the couch carefully and sits down beside me once again. With a slight shake to his hand he unclasps the latch and takes a deep breath.

“I haven’t been in this case for about a year. You’re apartment haunts you, well this is my ghost. It gets easier but it’s always hard, you just need to work through it.”

As he runs his hands over the top of the case he sighs once more. He lifts the lid of his case slowly revealing their contents. My eyes get wide and my jaw slowly drops. Within the case there are two katana swords that have been worn down and obviously used.

“One was mine and other was his. He’d always kick my ass and we would strife at least once a day. I learned a lot of life lessons by the edge of this sword.” He chuckles but mostly to himself, “I can still hear his annoying as hell voice when I do something stupid ‘Come on lil man use your head or you’ll end up losin’ it’.”

He stays silent obviously deep in thought about his brother. A smile slowly forms on his face as he closes the case. He latches it back slowly and turns to face me once again with his face back in a stoic expression.

“Come on Sollux, you’re probably dying with curiosity just ask already.” He says with a somewhat sharp edge to his voice.

“How’d he die?”

I almost have to force myself not to fucking facepalm because that just sounded bad. At least after I said it Dave didn’t seem pissed, he was actually laughing.

“Wow Captor I must say everybody who has asked before always try to sugar-coat it but your bluntness is rather refreshing.” 

He continues to chuckle as he leans back onto his couch staring that the ceiling again.

“He died, no correction-- he got killed because he was protecting me. Before I moved here I used to live in one of the worst parts of town because truthfully that’s all we could afford. We were walking home from a gig at this run-down club because we were both DJ’s. We just got done doing a killer set so we were flying high and just fucking around. We didn’t even realize that somebody was following us until we were surround. Bro and I kicked ass but these guys were stubborn as fuck and a couple of them ganged up on me. Bro came to my rescue but instead of letting me stay there and fight next to him he yelled run. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to trust him so I did. I was about about 10 feet away when I heard the gunshot. I ran back and he was face down on the ground.”

 

* * *

 

That night I slept on Dave’s couch just going over what he told me. He was the only person that I felt like I could tell what happened and he would understand. To me he was the biggest enigma because he didn’t expect anything from me the only thing he knew about me was my name and that my boyfriend died and his name was Karkat. I knew that his parents died when he was young, he was raised by his brother, he used to -might still be- a DJ, the way his brother was killed, and he shares an apartment with his friend John. He knew nothing about me but he still opened his couch up to a perfect stranger. I fall asleep thinking about the mystery that is Dave Strider.

 

* * *

 

“Captor.” Dave says walking into the room going towards the kitchen. 

“Strider.”

I woke up shortly before he walked in.

“You want something to eat?”

“No, I’m good thanks anyways.”

He nods and goes to sit next to me once he grabs a shitty cereal bar.

“So did John come back?”

“Nope, he usually stays with his girlfriend for a couple days when somebody comes over because of me.”

“So he’s not...”

I could have sworn he was gay...

“He is but apparently everybody knows it but him.”

Wow that must be frustrating.

“So enough about me. Tell me a little about yourself.”

“Um, well. I was raised by my dad that was bipolar as fuck. Mom left when I was little so I could care less if I knew her. I would have graduated the top of my class in highschool if I gave a fuck. I wasn’t exactly popular, I was the weird guy with glasses and a lisp.”

“You had a lisp?”

“Yep took ten years of speech therapy to get it under control. I still slip up sometimes though. I went to a cheap college and first year there I met...”

Come on, deep breath, Captor.

“Karkat. We didn’t exactly become friends on the spot but we were roommates so we sorted it out and he became my best friend. We didn’t date until he came back to the room too early from work and found me with this other guy. He threatened to punch his teeth in if he didn’t get lost, grabbed me by my shirt and kissed me. Up until then he didn’t know I was gay and I had the biggest crush on him.” 

Dave nods as he just sits there listening to me waiting for me to continue if I wanted to. 

“After college we moved into that apartment down the hall since it was close to where we both worked. I code for Ampora Inc. down the street and he worked for a local script writer. I usually got home late but he would still be up waiting for me to come home.”

“Sounds nice,” he says softly with a smile slowly gracing his lips. 

“It was. It was a lot more domestic than I ever thought I would be able to have. I’m not saying we were the best couple in the world. Karkat had a temper and if you let him he could rant for hours on end. Good thing I knew a couple ways to shut him up.” 

I can’t help but smile as some of my memories start to play in my mind.

“Even though we had our problems and he was a rage-y little fuck it was perfect, he was perfect..for me anyways.”

Dave just sat there silently waiting for me to continue because he somehow knew that in the end I was going to start talking again no matter how hard it was for me. 

“Last year around this time we went to go see his parents because that’s what we usually did at the end of the month. It was pretty typical; his dad is a bible-thump, his brother isn’t that much better, and his mother has no problem telling me my clothes are hideous but I sat through it because I knew how important his family was to him. Almost like clockwork we started fighting almost as soon as I got in the car.” 

Looking down at my hands I can almost hear his scream as we went off the road. 

“I was so focused on trying to convince him that his family hated me I lost the road in the rain.” 

My eyes start to burn as I close my eyes.

“A branch went through his chest and by some he was miracle still conscious when I finally came back around. I was right there when he took his last breath. The last thing that he said was the he loved me.”

 

* * *

 

I’m at the door...again. 

“Just breathe, Captor.” Dave says quietly behind me.

Taking a step towards the door I lay a hand on the doorknob. 

“Close your eyes, turn the knob, and push the door open. It is going to be hard as fuck but its not going to get any easier until you get through it.”

“I know...”

I take a deep breath and do as I’m told. Closing my eyes I tighten my hand around the cold metal knob, turn it, and push. I let go of a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I felt the door swing open. Time seems to stand still as I slowly walk into the dark apartment. I reach out and flip the light switch near the door. As light floods my vision so does the memories that come with it. 

_Come on fuckass, let’s go to bed already._

_Sollux, I’m not your fucking maid. Pick up your shit already._  

_Ahh! Fucking… fuck Sollux!_

_I would have kicked your ass if you hadn’t cheated!_

_Sollux, I love you._  

My weight gives out from under me so I fall to my knees in the small hallway. My body starts to shake as I’m racked with sob after sob. A hand lands on my thigh making me look up. Dave is sitting there in front of me on his knees with his glasses off.

The shaking slowly starts to subside as I realize that I’m not alone and I never truly was. He shows a small smile and lays his hand on my shoulder. 

“You’re going to be okay, Sol.” 

**The End**


End file.
